לא שלום, עבל להתראות

I've been back in the US for 6 days, and my life has begun returning to "normal". I've been caught up on all of the drama, seen my friends, and I even start back to work at my synagogue's Torah School today... but it feels weird. When I was going through passport control at JFK last week, the man at the booth said "welcome home", and I just kind of looked at him for a second, thanked him, and as I was walking away I just kept thinking, "that feels wrong".

Birdy, one of my favorite musicians, says in one of her songs "to belong is the feeling of home", and walking away into the American airport that morning I couldn't get that line out of my head. I just couldn't, and still can't, figure out how I feel about both places, Israel and the US alike.

Looking out the window as I fly back to California

As a modern, liberal person who is also queer, I feel like I belong here on the West Coast of America. Here, especially in California, there is so much liberalism and acceptance of differences, and a much more vast and diverse community that can really help me find my niche. I can marry whoever I want, however I want, and I don't always have to be afraid that someone is going to act out against me. However, there's a problem when it comes to my Judaism. Although the Reform communities in America are thriving, there is still a lot of antisemitism, and even more anti-Israeli sentiment, particularly on college campuses and within many LGBT+ communities. The fact of the matter is that many of my LGBT+ peers dislike organized religion, because it is often one of the factors that leads to people rejecting us for being queer. Many of us spend a great portion of our lives fighting the prejudice that comes from some religious people, and protecting ourselves from their hate-speech. That being said, it can be challenging for some to want to listen to people like me, who have found a balance. As for college, well that's just scary. Going into college within the next year or so terrifies me because I am a proud Jew, and a proud Zionist. I know that Israel has it's problems (refer to my previous post), but it is my homeland, and being a Jewish American, I feel like many people don't understand and can't accept that. The media WILDLY warps the events of the Middle East, and because of this, there are so many people who hate Israel because of false or biased information.

Me, a Reform Jewish "woman", wearing a yarmulke
while playing a guitar that has a
"Jewish Rock Radio" sticker right under ones for the
Human Rights Campaign and Ventura County Pride

So a Jew, I feel as though I belong in Israel. Jewish state or no, the land itself has so much history that connects me to my people. I could choose to move there right now, and the government would give me money and other resources to help me because I am a Jew, and the law says that if I want to be an Israeli citizen, I can be, just like that. Israel is the place where I don't have to feel bad about missing an event on Shabbat, because there are no events on Shabbat. It's the place where I don't have to worry whether the dishes at a restaurant are Kosher, or if the sticker on my car that says "שלום" is going to make people hate me. But Israel is also the place where there is no equal, or even civil, marriage, and where the fact that I present androgynously could make me a target. The queer community in Israel is not nearly as publicly accepted as it is in The States. Unless you're in Tel Aviv or Eilat, being a queer person can be dangerous, especially for someone who, like me, is also religious. Additionally, Reform Judaism in Israel is not thriving. Finding a Reform synagogue is very challenging, and many people do not even recognize Reform Jews as Jews at all.

Some of EIE's young women and their mothers protesting for the right of women to
pray openly at the Kotel in Jerusalem, which is still not accepted
in Israeli society

So what do I do after college? Do I stay in America, when I feel free to express myself as a queer liberal, or do I move to Israel, where I feel free to be a Jewish Zionist? These two parts of me shape my identity, and are relevant to the morals and values by which I live my day-to-day life. Where do I belong, and where is my true home?

I don't know. I miss Israel every second of every day, but being back in the US really is amazing. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do, but I do know that these last 4 months were just the first of many trips to Israel, and that I will forever be learning and questioning. I'm not making any decisions yet; I guess time will tell, but for now, לא שלום, עבל להתראות (not goodbye, but until I see you again)...

My classmates and I with our madrichim, standing at a statue that depicts
the Jewish past and present, across the street from the Israeli government building.